Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
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Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Support your local cemetery
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’