If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
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hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
lmao
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*