[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
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Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Terribly Tuesday.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.