I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
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Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I’m awake but I object,
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
It’s the weekend y’all
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
watergate? u mean a dam??
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.