A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
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*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
had to share :’)
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
How is it still this week?
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.