BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
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Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
ok this is my dumbest yet
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming