My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
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Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?