ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
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*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone