whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
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I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.