whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
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I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends