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The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
🙀🙀🙀😹
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.