Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
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Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”