I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
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No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I think this might be relevant today.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?