I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
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Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
every college guy’s fridge
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you