My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
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ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I can’t stop watching this.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
just pretend nothing happened
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.