Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
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I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group