Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
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BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.