I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
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Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones