Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
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My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Roses are red
Violets are blue![]()
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”