Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
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Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.