me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
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8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
as is their right
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I came this close!!!!
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”