me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
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We cut our bangs at dawn.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
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petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen