Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
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I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
anyone else like Italian cereal
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work