A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
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At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
do u think theres a butter planet?
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…