The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
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Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.