Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
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If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Miscakes
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy: