People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
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I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”