@Quack_Daniel

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

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@Eye_Of_Madara

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

@juneohara65

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

@NathanBgood

“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors

@BlindChow

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

@The_Sculptress

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

@withanewname

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

@MaMikeamo

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

@TheDjinnTrials

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.