I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
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Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.