You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
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Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
These are my roll models.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.