Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
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Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Is this a threat?
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.