Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
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As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.