Bartenders are just boneless bars
You Might Also Like
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.