A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
You Might Also Like
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive