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(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then