[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
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Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?