My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
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Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
So sick of all these stupid rules
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT