Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
You Might Also Like
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.