Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
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INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Sniffing the broccoli
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
drew a comic about my origin story
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.