Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
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AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
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My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
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Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
me 2 months after i graduated
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“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.