Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
You Might Also Like
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Seems kinda suspicious
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
pep talk
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.