The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
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My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
not to brag, but mine was free
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
No Google it does not
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.