It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
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I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection