I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
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scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys