I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
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Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that