4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
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Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
A double negative is a big no-no.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus