[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
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The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”