“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
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Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Thursday
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Breaking news:
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
just witnessed a drug deal
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me