Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
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Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
“what’s it like having a sister?”
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years