By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
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Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.