tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
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For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing