If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
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what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
umm…
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.