Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
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[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
This is a whole mood;
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.