Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
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[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Well, this is awkward
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Awwwww shit.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver