Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
You Might Also Like
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”