Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
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[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”