Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
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Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.